Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Saint Charlotte

Everyone has their stumbling blocks.
Valuing the opinion of others, dissatisfaction, grasping for control.
I struggle with these things too, but not to the same extent as others.

One of my biggest hurdles: perfectionism.
I hold myself to an impossibly high standard.
I don't know where this standard came from.
But its origin doesn't matter.
My pastor and his wife helped me give this persona a name: Saint Charlotte.

Saint Charlotte is always grateful.
She reacts to things how she is supposed to.
She is able to see things in a healthy light.
She doesn't screw up.

I am not Saint Charlotte.
My anxious thoughts make me angry.
I reflect on the times I've messed up.
I try to strong-arm my anxious thoughts into submission.
But when they pop back up, the cycle starts all over again.
I feel angry and discouraged.
Why am I not past this yet?  Will I ever be?
You're so stupid for having these anxious thoughts.
You know that God is faithful, so just act like it already!
Stop burdening others with your piddly problems.
And so on.
I get angry about my anxiety, and then I get angry about my anger, and then...

I know God is infinitely more patient with me than I am with myself.
I know He doesn't hold me to these expectations.
But, right now, I haven't taken these truths to heart.
(Saint Charlotte would believe all of these things without a problem.)

I want to live free of Saint Charlotte.
I want to live free of the anger, guilt and anxiety I bring upon myself.
And just like Veruca Salt, I want it now.

Even though it isn't now, I have hope that one day it will be.
What seems overwhelming is only temporary.
Maybe I can be patient.

1 comment:

  1. Oh man, thank you go sharing this! It's so incredibly hard to see the icky things about ourselves and be so ready to grow out of it but not be able to magically whisk it away. All I can say is it's a process and despite wherever you are, whatever struggles you are having- God absolutely loves you RIGHT THERE. Throughout it all, he is for you and will never waiver. Hugs to you.